::myundyinghate::

so, it's that time of year. that time of year when couples all across the country could possibly not be couples tomorrow, if john doe doesn't buy jane doe the same exact shit that every other girl on the planet is getting. i poke a lot of fun at this holiday, but only because when you think about it, it's true. in all reality, some douchebag could pick up roses at the gas station while he's filling up his tank, walk into the mini-mart and spend 2 bucks on some chocolate and BAM. he is now a super romantic. the fuck outta here. it's bullshit. this holiday does nothing but eliminate originality on a wide scale. i just can't even believe it's even acceptable to chicks. how could they possibly be happy getting the same exact stupid shit that every other girl gets, year after year. i can't get my head around it.

some might say, oh you only poke fun at valentine's day because you are jaded, bitter, single, etc. and that might be semi-correct. i've been single for 6 wonderful years, and that's been by my own choice. i have a hard time getting close to girls. i don't trust any of them. mainly because literally every single girl i've dated, loved, or given two fucks about in the last 15 years has, in one way or another, walked away and never looked back. i'm sure if i had a girlfriend, and she was dead set on getting roses, chocolate, etc, that i would succumb to this, if only to avoid a headache. but in all honesty, i've never had a real actual valentine in my entire life. this isn't some pity party for me, it's just genuine facts. i get a card from my mom every year, and that's about it.

it's all really a dilemma to me. i honestly enjoy single life. i really do. maybe because i'm so used to it at this point. but still. i like being able to do whatever the fuck i want to do, whenever the fuck i want to do it. and the last 6 years of being single have been the most amazing years of my life, hands down. i've met so many righteous people. i've travelled. i've been to amazing shows, and parties, and formed friendships that i will most definitely have for the rest of my life. and none of that would have happened if i had stayed together with my last girlfriend. i look back to the months after that breakup. i was so lost. so miserable. drowning my sorrows in booze, night after night. but in retrospect to my current life, it was easily the best thing that happened to me. i would have never done any of the things i've done since then. i would have never developed my design work, and made all the friends and contacts that i've made along the way.

but it's such a catch 22. all human beings have a need for true affection and companionship, beyond hooking up with random hot girls that are a decade younger than you. and if you say you don't, you are in denial and full of shit. but my desires for that vary. clearly, because of my prior experiences, i tend to push people away, even when i really want them to stay. and i am so set in my ways and routines, that i don't even know where i'd begin with letting someone in. i really wish i wasn't such a jaded, negative motherfucker. i wish i hadn't gone through all the shitty relationships that i did. i wish i could approach things with an open mind, instead of believing in my core that everyone is eventually going to fuck you over. but the days of that are long gone for me.

through all of this, my only real concern is my poor mom. she has done so much for me, and been an amazing, loving, supportive person in my life. i couldn't ask for anything more in a mother. all she wants is for me to get married and give her grandchildren. and i would love nothing more than to make her a happy lady. but i honestly don't know if that will ever happen. my brother often calls me robotic. because most of the time, i am completely void of emotion. i cried this past summer when i put my dog to sleep. i actually felt more connected to him than to half the people i know. but other than that, i couldn't tell you the last time i shed a single tear for anything. i think i might have shed a few when i was being a little bitch over my last breakup 6 years ago. but other than that, i'm a fucking stone, and i'm very aware of it.

anyway, enough of this rambling. valentine's day is supposedly a day for love. so, i'd like to take this time to tell all my friends that i love you all. where this crazy life will lead me, i really don't know. you could live to be 90 years old. you could cross the street tomorrow and get hit by a bus. this life is so fragile and completely unpredictable. but, i can tell you that i would die without all my friends and my family. you are all my lifeline. you are all what keeps me going. what gets me up in the morning. you are all i have. and i'm lucky to have you. so whatever you are doing today, enjoy it. treat your lady or fella to something nice. if you don't have a lady or a fella, just kick back with some friends and have fun. life is short, and it passes you in the blink of an eye. grab the small moments and hold on to them. cheers.