looney bin.

(inspired from reading drunk text messages from last night)

Sometimes I step outside myself and take a look at how fucking crazy I actually am. I think back to being young and how since childhood I was always separated from other kids in school due to my genius level IQ scores and getting college level scores on tests from as early as the 2nd grade. Shit man I was able to read full english at age 3 without ever being taught. But I never wanted any of that shit. I just wanted to be a regular ass kid.

I want to be dumbed down and think robotically like everyone else. I truly fantasize about getting a lobotomy at times. I think it would be so refreshing to cut out part of my brain and just go with the grain and not give a shit about anyone or anything. To just be another sheep in the herd. My brain moves at warp speed from the moment I wake up until the moment these heavy eyelids finally close. It can be maddening at times. I calculate every move and scenario and conversation a hundred moves down the road like an insane game of cosmic chess. At times, I think it would be enough to put any average person in a mental institution.

Also attached to this brain is a heart that truly gives way too much of a shit about so many undeserving people. Its a vicious cycle. When I have people in my life that I care about, it almost gives me a temporary lobotomy. Its like a high that could never be reached with any drug. It feels good to be wrapped up in that moment because I would much rather give someone the world than do anything for myself. That's just me and that will always be me because I'd give my last dollar to anyone who has the ability to put a genuine smile on my face. Who has the ability to make me - even for one split second - forget how truly fucked up this world really is. It is such a simple thing that is taken for granted by so many. But it means more to me than most people will ever know.

And sometimes those people come along. But they are all like shooting stars. They all fade with time and walk out of your life as quickly as they walked in. And each one is a crack in the armor. No matter how big or small. They all add up and take their own personal tolls. Some people look at that as weakness. But I say fuck those people. If you have heart.. If you have backbone.. You aren't scared to embrace being human. Language and emotion is what separates us from animals. If you are scared to talk or feel than you are weak. You are afraid of yourself and everyone else.

One day I'll fit these puzzle pieces together right.