lately.

this has been my theme song. 



i just feel like people have been letting me down left and right. and i fly off the handle. i say nasty things. i write nasty things. sometimes it's deserved. sometimes it's not. either way, i have a vicious tongue and i know it. when i wanna get at someone, i go directly for the jugular. it's good in some situations, but in others it really gets to people and it's fucked up.

i am an intense person. i love deeply. i hate deeply. i hurt deeply. it's the only way i know how to be. by default, i don't let a lot of people into my life because i am not very good with emotion, and honestly, it scares the living shit out of me. it's eventually been spit back in my face with every single attempt i've ever made, so i get skeptical, and it really takes a lot for me to let people in. and i guess that's why i get so mad at the people i care about. i guess in a fucked up way, if i can get really mad at you, it's because i really and truly give a shit about you. i don't waste my time getting mad at people who are insignificant in my life. 

maybe when i get mad, i read into things more than i should. i don't know. my fucked up brain is stuck in a warp and its been living in groundhog's day for years on end. always in a daze. my days are work, drink, sleep, repeat. it's awesome and shitty at the same time, but it is what it is. there's always some little girls up on my shit somewhere. there's always lots of booze and laughs and good times. days just melt together. little girls come and go. and then sometimes, like a ton of bricks, life drops basically one of the best people you've ever known on you and time just stops. and its like you wanna look up in the sky and be like dude. god. are you even fucking serious right now? 

some people just come into your life and you know that they will somehow always be there. but it gets a little tricky when it's a really amazing girl, because it's only a matter of time before you start getting attached to someone. hanging out all the time, laughing really hard, talking everyday, personal, intimate conversations. it will all eventually lead to attachment. and it's not anyone's fault. it's just called being human. people talk a lot of shit and try to act all hard, but in essence we are all looking for the same thing. someone who will be there and be next to you for this fucked up ride of life. i don't want much or expect much from anyone. just that real shit. just that shit that makes you feel good inside.

over the last few weeks, i have finally realized that some things will never be what i want them to be. and it will probably always bother me. but you can't win them all and you can't always get what you want. it's just an unfortunate part of life. it sucks pretty damn bad sometimes, and it really harps on your brain and hangs heavy in your heart. but you gotta suck it up and take it like a man. because otherwise you'll just die inside. idk. maybe one day, another ton of bricks will hit me. maybe not. who knows. but in the meantime, i'll be back in the time machine, warping solo through meaningless days with no seatbelt on. fuck my life <333