tied to my neck.

What else can you do besides just keep going? Life continually hits you with its bullets and throws chains around you to slow you down. But even if you move at a snails pace, you can never stop. The minute you stop is the minute you die.

I wear the battle scars of this life like rusty armor and I remember the story behind each and every one. I carry the weight of a turbulent youth. Blurred memories that have become that way for a reason. Went through motions in an attempt to become a productive member of society and wound up anything but. Now I hold a useless, dusty piece of paper from a university and I am most likely a disappointment to my family on so many various levels. But I keep going.

I'm trying to carve my own path through these dense, unforgiving woods with a butter knife when I should have a machete. But I never stop. Life keeps dropping these weights on my soul. And I feel every single, tiresome ounce of them. They hang so heavy on my back. They cloud my mind with doubt, fear, hate, stress and anguish. But I never stop. I hold it all and will carry it all with me until the day they throw my lifeless body in a ditch.

This life takes you down some bad paths, so I burn the bridges that were never meant to hold me and I find another way. And I truly miss every single one of them. But they represent moments of weakness in my life. They represent once familiar faces who took advantage of my kindness and my good nature. Who took advantage of my heart and my friendship. It sometimes pains me to pass these people on the street or the dim lights of a bar. People who I would have done anything for at points in my life. But they were so unappreciative of that fact that I can no longer speak to them or even look at them out of nothing more than sheer disappointment in their souls. Or lack thereof. One can only take so much, one can only try so hard, so these bridges are burnt to the ground and I continue on.

Fall into mud. Keep going. Knife in your back. Keep going. Stake through your heart. Keep going. There is no option. There is no choice. This life would love nothing more than to see you wither and fade. To see you fail miserably. To see these weights drag you to your knees. To see your spirit broken into pieces. And as much as the hard times in my life make me want to fall down and die, I will never stop. I will never give up. I will forever hold in my mind the faces and places in my life that have brought me pain. I always will miss what they used to be in my life, but I will never look back because that is a losing game. I'm spread out so thin and I don’t know how much more I have in me to give.

mind vomit.

over the last few years, i've been kind of disturbed by things that i see. namely in people that i grew up with. you see, it's kinda weird. when you get to 30, it seems like you either act like you are 30 or you act like you are fucking 60. i've been seeing it more and more over the last few years, but recently i've really been crawling through myspace and facebook where i see the profiles of some people who are the same age as me, but might as well be approaching retirement. for real.

i mean seriously. you think about an athlete or a musician or someone like that. typically, they are in the middle of their prime at 30. and that is how i approach my life. i feel like i'm in the prime right now. i work hard and i party even harder. i see people at my age who have really thrown in the towel. just gave up. settling down and having kids with some dumpy looking broad just for stability. it's kind of unbelievable.

i mean yeah, maybe some of these people have a nice house, a nice car, a family and all that. and i guess that's cool. but i live my life to the fullest. i see and do shit that these people will never experience. i run with an insane pack of genius wolves and i wouldn't trade any of the times i have with them for a wife and kids. no fucking way. maybe i don't have all that material shit, but i have an apartment, a car, a good job, a sick freelance job, and i handle my business straight up and down. seriously, some of these people look like they should hang out with my father and its really sad. its like they had the life sucked right out of them.

honestly, i'm at the best point of my life. 30 is young, and in some ways it's better than being in your 20s. i still have the looks of my 20s because i never stressed over school or work during those years. my 20s consisted of drugs, sex, alcohol, bartending and occasionally college. shit happened the way it was supposed to. i took my time, got my degree and graduated on the dean's list. now, i finally have a good head on my shoulders. i have my shit together and most importantly, i have fun with my life. everybody wants to be on some high society, sex in the city, "look at my stock portfolio and my fat wife" type bullshit. it's fucking terrible.

i like shit grimy, drunk and fun. i like young chicks that party hard and get fucked up. i like loud music and smoking weed. i like getting blackout drunk on a regular basis. and maybe i'll die young from cancer or liver failure, but i'd rather have 40 or 50 awesome years than 80 or 90 shitty ones living some bullshit archaic lifestyle just to fit into what my parents or anyone else thinks people should be doing at my age.

i know all that shit will fall into place eventually. but i'm in no rush to act like some ridiculous "grown-up". we are young and we have the world by its balls right now. there is no need to settle into some bullshit life just because all your friends are getting married and you feel left out or whatever. that's probably why there are so many divorces nowadays. people just rush into shit because they feel like that's what they need to do at a certain point in their life. fuck that. motherfuckers hit their peak way too early and think they've seen and done it all. not even close. not even fucking close.

some people might say i'm immature, but i don't think so. i think i'm doing it right, because if and when i do get to 50 or 60 years old, i won't look back and say "i wish i would have enjoyed life more when i was physically able to do so". because the place is here and the time is now. word up.