real talk.

sometimes i get caught up in mental blocks. overanalyzing shit. thinking and re-thinking situations over and over again in my head. it truly is my blessing and my curse. i play life like a game of chess. always thinking 100 moves ahead. now while this can be good for certain scenarios, its really bad for others.

maybe its just from growing up in jersey. i don't know. i just automatically expect the very worst from humanity. you shake my hand, and i expect to find your other hand trying to dig in my pockets. you tell me you love me, and i expect you to be just another crack in my heart. you tell me you have my back, and i expect you to be a pussy and run for the hills when some shit goes down.

maybe its some bullshit mental defense. maybe its mental conditioning from growing up in the "fuck you" state. maybe its just a composite of all the shitty experiences in my past, getting royally fucked by friends and lovers alike. who knows. all i know is that when it really comes down to it, the only person you can ever really count on is yourself. but i'd really really love for someone to prove me wrong.

anyways.. its fucked up i guess, but how many times are you supposed to let motherfuckers get over on you? i ain't no fucking doormat and i'm definitely not stupid. actually, here's a few little known facts:

1. when i was born, my umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck twice and it had two super tight knots in it. the doctors were amazed that i was born alive, and even more amazed that i scored perfectly in all the tests that they administer to newborns.

2. i was able to read full english at 3 years old. my mother found this out when i read one of my birthday cards to her and she almost fell over.

3. in the 2nd grade, i scored college-level scores on standardized tests. i was put into a talented and gifted program until the 8th grade. i opted out of it for high school, because that shit bored me to death. but yeah, apparently i have some insanely high IQ, although i don't quite remember what the exact number is anymore. i think its like 142 or something.

4. in the 5th grade i received some award for my grades that was signed by president reagan. i got straight-As in every subject from kindergarten through 5th grade. incidentally, in that same year, i was not allowed outside during recess. i had to eat lunch in the principals office every day, because i got caught with a knife in school at the end of the 4th grade.

5. by the time high school arrived, i discovered things like cigarettes, weed, acid and vagina. and these are the spices that have come to create the monster that you all know now. and i feel like they completed my education. i already had the book smarts. tons of book smarts. adding the rest really made one dangerous cocktail in my head. sometimes i feel like i can see right into people's souls. i look into their eyes and i see everything that they have.

anyway, i'm done ranting to my digital diary for now. i hope you enjoyed the little tidbits and insights into my asshole existence on this shit planet. peace love and all that.