tuesday.

yeah a lot of people think i'm some kind of degenerate drunk. and in some ways, i guess i am. i drink quite often and always heavily. i mean granted, i work a night shift. i get out of work at 11pm, and i hate going home right after work. so its pretty much a given. a lot of people get out of work at 5 and go to happy hour and that's ok. i just happen to have a vampire work schedule.

really, the only thing that would make me come home right after work would be an awesome chick who was down to hang out, smoke, eat, fuck and watch movies with me on a regular basis. that would rule, and i'd be so down for that. but i never seem to get that lucky. lately, i just get hit on by all kinds of pyschotic shitbags that i am totally unattracted to and sometimes dream of stabbing. and all the good chicks that i totally dig just wanna be my buddy. awesome. yeah, so i go out and drink. heavily. it happens.

and in all honesty, i hate to use that as an excuse. but i guess in that respect, i am a little weak. i am definitely man enough to admit that i could sometimes use a good chick in my life to keep me a little bit in line. not change me and keep me all locked up, just keep my shit in check every once in a while. just when i'm fucking up too much. give me a reason to give a shit about something ya know? i am such a self-indulgent person with very little self-control when it comes to drinking. if there is no one stopping me from myself, i get really out of control.

i go on benders for days, weeks, months at a clip. like i did last night. i mean a fucking tuesday. a random tuesday in febraury. i got more drunk than most people get on new years eve. shots upon shots. drinks upon drinks. i closed out the bar, and then drank almost an entire bottle of 30-year old wine by myself when i got home. its all a little fuzzy, i just remember people being at my house and telling them to go fuck off and shit. i was like fuming mad, and i really don't even know why. what for? my life ain't that bad. yeah, i got shitty things going on and i'm stressing a lot over things that i shouldn't stress about. but who doesn't? for the most part, my shit ain't that bad. it could obviously be better, but it could also be infinitely worse. and i know that.

i'm not sure what's going on lately, but i've just been on some real other shit. feeling like the world is crashing down around me and there is nothing i can do about it. i think its this time of year in general. i hate when it gets dark at 5pm. i hate the holidays and valentines day. i hate the cold weather. i hate snow. so i'm sure that has a lot to do with it. well that, plus the inhuman amounts of booze that is ingested into my bloodstream. and i'm sure the constant playlist of mogwai, godspeed you! black emperor and set fire to flames isn't helping either. i've been on some real jim morrison, jack kerouac, charles bukowski type drunk shit. for real. breaking things. putting holes in the wall with my head. needing to have knives and sharp objects forcefully taken away from me.

i feel like reality is a dream at some points. shit isn't even real. it's like i'm not even awake. but in a really weird way, i feel like i am going through a transformation. like i am molting. like i'm about to break through the walls of a cocoon and some real amazing shit is about to drop. we shall see.

anyway, i'm going to get drunk now. maybe i'll see you in the warp <333